For awhile I’ve honestly felt like things were slowly falling apart. After what happened in Kentucky this past year, it’s really been hard and frustrating to try and stay afloat. Instead of facing the issues, I looked hopefully towards the future: towards Honduras.
I forgot the one lesson I was always taught by my old pastor Chad. He said to me, “Don’t count the days, make the days count”. And it seems, to be honest, that every day he’s been gone I’ve lost a little more of the conviction he always provided me with.
So i looked forward. But I fell behind.
And I really started praying, because I didn’t feel like I was meant to go to Honduras. I really wanted to go, but I couldn’t tell if that desire was placed on me by God, or if i was just looking for a way out that included seeing the Kentucky people that I had, unfortunately, missed over Thanksgiving break.
To be honest, missing Thanksgiving break really tore at my heart, and I could tell it tore at a lot of other “regulars” hearts not to be able to go. And that’s when it really started to hit me. When i was thinking about that the Sunday before leaving for Honduras. Although I really missed going to Kentucky, it really had nothing to do with the people. I love, LOVE, spending time with everyone and getting to see people I don’t often get to see. I love the stupid van rides and how freaking cold it is at 5AM when we load up in the Zimmerman van. But what I missed most was the feeling I get, the feeling we really all get, when we stand and look at the sanctuary. Because no matter how crushed we are in the van and in the Huenecke car, it never feels like we have as much as we do when we sort it all out.
And I guess that’s sort of how i feel about myself. I never really feel like I have enough time, or strength, or really enough love for all the people God has blessed me with. ANd by the time I get around to Him, I’m literally emptied of everything I had. And I always thought that was a problem.
I am, by nature, a very independent person. I want to do the things I want to do. And that’s why I was so bothered by Honduras, because I really took a long look at that after spending time with Daniel on our site in Kentucky. Because he wasn’t necessarily doing things he wanted to do, or in a position he wanted to be in. But he trusted God that he was where he was meant to be.
I didn’t. I knew i was where I wanted to be and that seemed to be all that really mattered. But then when I was finally praying and asking God if that was where I was meant to be (By now it was mid December so I was literally going either way), I began to see some catch-ups. For instance, what happened to the Kentucky group at the airport. We were all, even those from Chicago, kind of… lost for words when we found out what was happening. And the next day sitting in Miami airport not sure of when they would even get there wasn’t much better.
But I talked to Charlie and he really said to me that they were gonna get there on God’s time. And that really struck a chord with me because of Chad, again, and the things he used to say about God being timeless.
Nonetheless, it became very clear to me that they were all meant to be there. They had been through their trial, but I was still waiting on mine.
And the first day there, I hurt myself when I fell (Manuel: Val did not push me!) I got up again and continued walking (a lot slower, but still) for the rest of the week. And it really didn’t slow me down in work. And it occurred to me, now at least, that that was my trial. I’ve found it very difficult to rely on people and to really let them help me, but I go out wanting to help everyone else. But i realize now this entire time really how much God carries me everyday. How much God carries all of us. How much He has carried me since July. How much He has carried me my entire life.
We carried blocks, cement bags, and children. God carries the world. We grew tired and exhausted. He never quits.
And it occurred to me how much I was meant to be there. How much everyone there was meant to be there.
How much we were all meant for. I should have seen it. We all should have seen it. It was Christmas. Christmas. What a blessing it really was not to be caught up in all the crap Christmas has become. And I hope everyone feels what I feel: God takes away, all to give us life.
Really. thank you everyone. Even those who didn’t go but still supported each and every one of us. Your prayers and your love will really, never be forgotten. You put a smile on those blessed people’s faces as much as we did.
So i’ll say the one thing everyone should hear:
YOU were meant for amazing things.