Don’t abandon her the day she tries to fly [2.19.2009]

I’ve had some real faith in you and the changes you are making. To be honest, I’ve been really proud. But lately I’ve been watching you struggle more and more. And to be honest, I’ve been struggling. Especially lately, the past two months. I’ve lived with things I haven’t talked about. But those are things I need to let go of anyways. But this, this isn’t something I ever want to let go of. I don’t think I’m meant to. It’s changed my life. Really. Permanently. And I feel like now, after sitting on it, I am ready to talk about it. And I hope it changes yours. Or at least gives you some solace. Because I really feel we relate on a deeper level. We’re connected. And our experiences, though drastically surface-level different, are the same deep down.

I was in Honduras, as you well know. And we had a fantastically, heartbreaking ten days. And I was feeling that, taking the hit to my heart. And it was hurting. But I didn’t feel ready to talk about it. So on the last day while we were traveling, we stopped at a waterfall. And I, I literally was falling apart. 

I stayed at the top. Well, I walked down first halfway but decided not to go further. Mostly because I was hurting, both physically and emotionally, and I wanted to be alone. So i walked back up to the top. And I sat there, on this bench, lost in every sense of the word.

I sat there stressed. Not knowing where I was going, what was coming. Immediately when I arrived in Honduras, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I felt like I was at home. Not the home I grew up in, but the home I was meant to stay in. And I spent the next week working along side my neighbors and my friends. 

I was, to say the least, angry that I had to leave. Remorseful, really. 

And so i questioned. I didn’t think it was right, or fair, to send me back to where I came from. Back to my life where things were not making sense and people were being difficult. So I said, aloud really, “Am I really meant to leave this?”

The sun began to set and it was getting dark quickly. I mumbled a couple of lines from a song I know; “if you say no, then no it will be, i’ll stick it out. Don’t release me til it’s over”

And, if i was honest, I would say that I got my answer. But if I was honest, I would say the truth is He’s not as bad as we make Him out to be. If I was honest I would say I typically only think He’s logical on those days when He follows through with exactly what I want. 

So I sat there, still sulking. By this time, it was completely dark. It felt a lot like how I had felt. The landscape around me was reacting. Knowing I was discontented. 

And I continued, for lack of better words, bitching. And I found myself in tears, continuing the song, mumbling: “God, where have you been? God, my God, my God, where have you been?”

And I looked up. And for the first time all trip, I’ll tell you exactly what I saw.

A lightning bug.

I haven’t told anyone about that. Mostly because I was probably “delusional”. And probably “blowing things out of proportion”.

But mostly I don’t care now, because I know now exactly what He was trying to tell me.

And I want to tell you. Look up. Keep looking up. 

And on the plane, I listened to the song I was listening to. And they continued with: 
“I’ve got to take what I’m making
and turn it into something for You
I’ve got to break what I’m making
and turn it into nothing… for You”

I’ve got, we’ve all got, all these plans. And they’re nothing because they aren’t God’s. And so I want to break my plans. I want you to break the barriers and apprehensions you have holding you back too. Turn them into what they really are; nothing. For Him. 

“No love’s as random as God’s love.
—I can’t stand it”
-Wilco.

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