So never mind our plan making, we’ll start living. [3.2.2009]

I want to keep writing you because I feel you understand, and don’t judge me for who I am and what I can’t do. So there are some things I want to say to you because I really feel sometimes you feel the same way. Naturally I’m still struggling sometimes. And I think that’s why I’m drawn to people who can be so open and vulnerable about their faith. And I hope I can be that way. 

Lent really does this to me. Every year I set out on this ridiculous mission to rid my life of all the crap that keeps me from Christ. And then it hits me, I have a thousand half-loves that just seem to pile up and He somehow gets shifted to the bottom. And this won’t change unless I go live in the middle of the forest by myself somewhere. In which I’d probably take up some other stupid hobby to fill the void. 

It’s not fair, and I see it as a fallacy of Christianity, to tell people that their moments of doubt and questioning, hiding, running away… all of these things shouldn’t be deemed as a failure. We’re all going to have those moments. And i think if we were honest with ourselves and with one another, we could better work together and bring one another up. Even Peter and the rest of the “gang” as I like to call them, had their doubts. There were people standing at the parting of the Red Sea in Exodus that would, days later, forget about what God had done for them. There were people at the Miracles, people at the crucifixion, the transfiguration, the resurrection who still had doubts and reservations. 

And here I am. Years later. Months later. Weeks later. Days later. Hours later. Minutes later. Hell, if i was honest, seconds later I am forgetting what He has done.

Jesus, to me, is hilarious. He’s like the friend you can go months without seeing only to realize things are still the same, great time you had together before. Then you have the moment where you say “Why don’t we do this more often?” and you both agree to try and you do, for a few months, until you fall back into your busy life and you have to start cancelling. But He understands. And He’s ready when you call to go out for coffee and start the cycle again.

I don’t want to fall back into that cycle. I want Him to be the friend I tell all my secrets to. The one i laugh with, the one I turn to when I’m struggling. The first person I’d call in any situation. And sometimes I feel like He’s not even on the top ten list, which sort of disgusts me.

But, He compensates me for all that I lack. And that’s rough news sometimes for me. Sometimes I like to get a little “I can do it myself” about things.

Other times it hits me in the face exactly how much grace I really need.

And lately has been a lot of those times. And it’s a hard thing to accept. But I need to. and I’m learning I want to. Because I’ve seen all my plans, and honestly they all seem quite empty. I’ve seen my limitations, and those seem to be numerous. I’ve seen me and I’ve seen Him, and I’d rather have Him. 

And I hope you would too. 

So I’m telling you this because I want people to see what’s really going on. And I want you to recognize that you are never the only one. And I want us to build one another up in these moments. Not tear one another down. 

——-

I was swimming through the waves for what must have been days…
But could find no relief;
When I started sinking down I thought for certain I would drown…
Until I saw You in the ocean,
You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love,
And I’m the living example of 100% the opposite of this.

You dance inside my chest where no one sees You,
But sometimes I see You.

“Oh, but I’m so afraid” or “I’m set in my ways”
But He’ll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.
“Oh, but I’m too tired, I won’t last long.”
No, He’ll use the weak to overcome the strong.
“Oh, but I’m so small I can barely be seen…how can this great love be inside of me?”
Look at your eyes….they’re small in size, but they see enormous things.

Though we hunger, though all that we eat brings us little relief,
We don’t know quite what else to do;
We have all our beliefs, but we don’t want our beliefs…
God of Peace, we want You.

–Mewithoutyou.

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