You Non-crying Robot!

So I haven’t written anything (personal) in awhile, which really should come as no surprise. I’m not one of those people that necessarily revels in the moment when “shit gets real”.

No, for real. I admire those people who can just lay it all on the line. I pretend to be one of those people, if I’m being completely serious. I tend to tell people what I’m thinking, as long as it doesn’t expose anything about my underlying emotions regarding them. For instance, I have no issue telling you that shirt looks terrible on you, or you’re being an idiot to assume that he/she has changed when your first 5 shots at this relationship failed before I could even finish my meal from taco bell.

Harsh truths? Not a problem. Looking for a reason why you can’t understand how i possibly feel? I couldn’t tell you.

It’s not as if I’m some cold, emotionless robot (although a certain ex would beg to differ). I do have feelings. I smile when I hold children, I play with my dogs, I get angry when people can’t drive on the highway. I’m a normal human being. But, I don’t find it easy to show when I’m sad, when I’m hurting, when I just don’t want to smile because even that makes my face ache.

It’s not that I’m concerned that people will see me and think to themselves “look at that pathetic weak girl”. I really don’t care. I’m weak sometimes, physically and emotionally, and I think my inability to cry in public and sometimes private even at the saddest of times is actually a bigger red flag for weakness than my crying would be. Literally, guys, I have tried to sit in my room and think about the saddest things ever—sadder things than are even on Grey’s Anatomy every week–and I can’t get myself to cry. I can’t do it. I’ve literally TRIED, guys. I sat and watched sad movies/television, I read sad stories, I thought and focused on the saddest times in my life while listening to sad music…the whole deal.

I find it sort of pathetic that I’m even trying, but it’s more pathetic that I even have to. Like, seriously, I haven’t cried more than twice this year, for less than five minutes each, and I’ve lost two great aunts (who I knew very well), my aunt’s father, my dog (who I’ve had since 6th grade), and my grandpa on my dad’s side. My uncle has been sick, two people I knew when I was younger have committed suicide in the past six months, two cousins had babies, I graduated college, and I’ve been in Honduras holding poor kids and playing soccer with them, and in Kentucky working in Eastern Appalachia to rehabilitate homes for poor people while mentoring high school aged boys who have so many problems I’ve considered calling Maury to intervene.  And I have yet to cry.

This may seem like a small issue in comparison to some of the things I’ve listed above, but really, I worry for my mental health sometimes, what it says about me, and more importantly, how it impacts how I relate to other people. Do people take comfort in me appearing strong and together? Do they wish they could be that way? Does me being that way somehow help them to be that way as well? Do they find it alienating or distancing? Or do they question what is potentially wrong with them that they’re not looking so together?
More importantly, I’m hoping people aren’t seeing me react to these things, and assume I consider them to be trivial. I hope they don’t see this and assume they should be this way as well. I’m hoping they don’t see me like this and assume I think I’ve got it all together, and therefore don’t want to help them with their problems or along their path.

Not to mention, everyone from chick flicks to licensed professionals tell me it feels great to “have a good cry”. Phrases like “the best sleep I’ve ever had happened after I did” and “finally feel okay!” have surrounded the act of just crying. and I’m sort of like okay, maybe this is why I always seem tired and unable to fall asleep/stay asleep (You know, that, or the chemical imbalance.. whichever) Maybe this is why I don’t get closure on certain events, because I haven’t physically cried over it and therefore let it go? (Forgive me if I sound stupid but this is what I imagine it feels like to cry over something and move on afterward)

Anyways, maybe even writing this will allow me to cry. I’ll let you know how that one goes.

Best,
MP

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