You could read me anything.

So i went a little insane these past two weeks. I’m thinking it was all the carrots i ate (vitamin a poisoning is a very real thing people?) and water. I’m thinking these two things just caused an overflow of the toxins building up in my body from my typical large taco bell soda drinkin’, junk food eatin’ existence to be sludged out and sent free floatin’ to the brain (I don’t really know anything about food science so don’t take me seriously at all here).

Actually, I think part of it is really that from November 1st to December 15th I tend to go partially insane every year. Some of it, of course, is that I am partially insane the entire duration of the year, but the rest of it just seems added on by things I can’t let myself let go of (that sounded complex but it really isn’t).

For instance, I can’t even accurately count the number of deaths that have happened to people surrounding me during that month.five’s worth of time (month.five=month and half). It’s a little nauseating, to say the least, but you have what you have I guess. Then, there’s the recent added stressor of wondering if my uncle potentially has brain cancer (Luckily, he doesn’t; we just found out), the suicide of a young boy I used to teach sunday school to, and a million other things that tend to pile up unnoticed until you can’t sort through them with anything less than a machete.

Well anyways, right now I’m really into writing people letters/cards. as previously discussed in entries, I find it honestly dentist-going difficult to tell people how i feel about them and how i wish they viewed themselves. It’s not that I don’t believe these things, i just don’t verbalize them on an everyday basis [sometimes any-day basis] (Sidenote: wouldn’t it be great if you always told people how important they are to you? do you think they’d ever get sick of hearing it?)

I sent out my first round a week.five ago and I honestly hope these people heard what I was trying to say in a very real way. it seems like they did but yeah. I guess what I’m trying to do is partially selfish (for a good reason) in that I just want to be able to teach myself how to share these things with people. They’re important and its kinda their right to know it. Plus i think (here’s the semi-selfish part) that I would be emotionally, and even physically, healthier if I could learn to just say these things.

I guess I was partially inspired by reflecting on BK’s death, and partially inspired by a nice girl i’ve never met doing a nice thing for me. A little while ago I received a thing in the mail constructed from magazines and construction paper—not the most expensive or exquisite item out there, but it was right for me. It’s meant to encourage someone to look at things more positively, which I think is something we all could use in our lives. But what I thought was even more interesting was that she would send it to someone she’s never met and probably will never meet. Someone who she wouldn’t necessarily benefit from; she didn’t expect me to pay her back with money or any sort of reciprocity.

And that got me thinking that maybe that’s why I find it so difficult to say anything about how I feel especially to their face. Yeah, I love to make people happy and its great to be honest but I guess I just dont want to say something nice and make it seem like I’m expecting them to say something about me in return, or do something for me. I think it sort of robs/muddles the message when all the person can focus on during your kind act/statement is what they love about you and saying it in a good enough way. I don’t know; I’m not saying that that’s why people say or do nice things for others, I’m just saying maybe I’m overly conscious of reciprocity, and I’m not into it at all. So I just hope that the words that I said were enough to encourage those people for even a minute in their lives. And I don’t care if they ever “pay me back” for it.

MP

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